Problem Hair

Let’s be honest, do you know anyone who doesn’t have problem hair? Of course not, and that’s because hair has a will of its own. To get tresses that are manageable, you need to start being very firm with them at the soonest opportunity, otherwise they’ll take advantage of you, as they did with Bill.

Scary Hair

Bill was a boy with reckless hair,

That sprang out here and sprang out there.

It leapt and lunged, it streaked and swooped,

It coiled and curled and looped the loop.

It grew so thick, so long and wide,

That little creatures lived inside.

Bill’s hair providing a home for mouse and snake.

With tangled strands, wild as a bush,

It taunted every comb and brush

To try and tame it, make it neat –

The brushes soon declared defeat;

The combs’ attempts were also brief –

More than a dozen lost their teeth.

Its wayward mood rudely defied

Whatever products were applied,

And barbers wept that there should be

Defiant hair, so wild and free.

One barber cried, “Impudent mop!

You are not welcome in my shop!”

Poor Bill felt it was most unfair

To have such rowdy, wicked hair.

He threatened it and called it names,

He said it ought to feel ashamed.

But did it listen? Not a tad!

It carried on behaving mad,

And grew and grew like some deep wood,

Until Bill’s face was lost for good.

His arms were next and then his hands,

All hidden by the hair’s thick strands.

And further still the tresses grew,

Till legs and feet were lost from view,

And nothing could be seen at all

Except a boy sized, hairy ball.

His mum at last, out of despair,

Went running to the cellar where

She took a large electric saw,

And cut for several hours or more –

But not a trace was found of Bill;

And to this day, he’s missing still.

The lesson of this tale I’ve told

 Is keep your hair under control;

And thus ensure your crowning glory

Doesn’t turn to horror story.

Matrimonial Customs of Yorkshire: Part 1

The first thing that comes to mind for most brides-to-be planning their wedding is the dress. While the shape, length and material change with the fashions of the day, traditionally, white and cream are the favoured shades. Except, that is, if you hail from the quaint Yorkshire village of Ludderley Bridge. Here, an ancient rhyme predicts the type of married life the couple will experience, based on the colour of the bridal gown.

Conjugal Colour Considerations

Marry in green, no joy will be seen.

Marry in red, you’ll wish yourself dead.

Marry in pink, your fortunes will sink.

Marry in grey, you’ll both rue the day.

Marry in blue, your fears will come true.

Marry in gold, despair will unfold.

Marry in yellow, you’ll shout and he’ll bellow.

Marry in white, you’ll bicker and fight.

Marry in cream, you’ll live a bad dream.

Marry in black, bad luck will attack.

The rhyme is believed to be the last verse penned by ten times married poet, Zebediah Platt (1729- 1778). Zebediah met a rather unfortunate and curious end when he was sewn into a tapestry at Fiddleston Hall, by the bridal dressmaker to Lady Marylla Dunnit.

It is believed he was attempting to spy on the dress-fitting from behind the tapestry to check the chosen colour augured well for his 11th marriage, but the ladies noticed him, and Lady Marylla was so annoyed, she ordered the dressmaker to sneakily sew him into his hiding place.

Although the action was not meant to occasion any lasting harm, the thick tapestry fabric suffocated him, thus proving the old adage: Curiosity killed the Platt, (and inspiring the board game, Who Dunnit?)

Even today, local belief in the rhyme’s prophetic accuracy is so strong that Ludderly Bridge is the one place in the country where purple or orange gowns are more popular than white or cream.

Do you know of any unusual matrimonial customs from your part of the world? If so, I would love to hear about them.

Fashion Comebacks: the Crinoline

The crinoline skirt is a garment set to make a comeback, and not before time. Teamed with roller skates or skateboard beneath its capacious flare, a woman can glide across a room with all the elegance of a ghost.

Bring back, bring back the crinoline!

So much that can be hid within:

A skateboard on which you can ride,

Some flowers from the countryside,

A cage of birds, a herd of sheep,

Some chocolate bars, an army jeep,

A soccer ball, electric bass,

A silk top hat, a doctor’s case,

Some bicycles, performing rats,

A pack of gum, some acrobats,

The London Eye, a mastodon,

The list goes on, and on and on…

Just think, you’d never ever be alone

Inside that garment’s cage of bone

So think about what you’d put in

The space inside a crinoline.

If you can’t find a full crinoline cage, this hoop is a reasonable alternative, although not on a windy day.