The following problem was sent to me by a Scottish gentleman and concerns his prospects for career advancement.
Dear Aunt Grizelda,
I’m working nichts at a Highland castle that gies holiday accommodation to Sassenachs. Mony o’ them are braw pleasant and gie muckle appreciation o’ my haunting skills wi’ grete screams and trimbling. And on one occasion a lassie would nae return to her room once she’d spied me there.
The problem is, it’s the same auld routine nicht after nicht. I’d love a change o’ scene. However, I ken I need a level four GNVQ in order to progress to palace haunting and it’s a lang course. Can ye tell me if there’s any quick way aroond this?
R the B
Dear R the B,
Haunting, by its very nature, is confined to a particular place, and yes that can lead to feelings of being trapped. But changing location can be tricky (vacancies are rare) and as you rightly noted, a GNVQ 4 (Ghostly National Vocational Qualification) is a requirement for palaces, abbeys and cathedrals, and the course lasts a century.
There are of course things you can do to relieve the tedium. Ratcheting up the weird happenings with louder bumps, scarier costumes and blood curdling screams, is not only a lot of fun, but may cause the castle owner to bring in an exorcist. Depending on the exorcist’s skill, this could result in you being transported to a new location: but you will have no choice over which one, and could end up haunting somewhere unglamorous such as alley or factory.
My favoured solution would be to attach yourself to a guest you take a liking to. If they can afford to stay at a castle they are most likely wealthy enough to own a large and elegant home. And if the guest is American, you can be sure of an enthusiastic welcome in the United States. I hear Trump Tower is particularly good for ghosts.